Affirmation

today is the launch of my column in peyups.com. and it's named after my blog http://www.peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=3687

One door closes, another one opens. :)

Travelling down a familiar road

It's been a while since I've been down this road.

And at this time of night too.

I can remember the last time I travelled that same route.

You were with me then. You were behind the wheel.

Little things like those. Memories of things that we usually take for granted at the time mean so much.

Especially, when things are no longer the same.

i wonder when the day will come when everything no longer reminds me of you.

Not my cup of tea

i am drinking tea.

So?

What's so earth-shaking about that?

i allow myself a small smile as i let my gaze drift to the wrapper of the teabag i just dunked into my cup.

Gold Leaf Fruit Delights- Strawberry

On cue, my mind drifts back to the time i last drank that particular flavor of tea.

7 months ago.


It was the third date, and my second time at Big Sky Mind. The first date having just been a mere two days ago. The last time i was at Big Sky was years ago where i attended an exhibit and back then

was with a different man.

i turn my head slightly to look over to where he sat—no, slouched on the novel seating on the establishment. (No less than car seats—of course, sans the car, were placed strategically across the wide room. Low tables reminiscent of those found in japanese dwellings were situated near the clusters of seats, candles completing the ambiance. i better stop here lest i start sounding like a dang interior design magazine).

don't remember what we were talking about or if we were talking at all. despite the quiet, it was a nice kind of quiet. comfortable. yes, i remember feeling absolutely comfortable then. without a care. nothing else mattered—no yesterdays to haunt me, nor tomorrows to cloud my mind.

i stretched and settled comfortably in my seat as the waiter brought us two generous, steaming cups of water, a little jar of syrup, and unopened packets of tea. he groaned as he sat up to prepare his tea.

"You're going to love this," he said as he dunked the teabag into one of the cups. Almost immediately, a scent reminiscent of strawberry jello simmering over a low fire wafted to my nose.

Mmmmmm.

After a moment of strawberry tea worship, he urged me to take a first sip while he watched my reaction. Almost like Eve telling Adam to bite the fruit only the genders were reversed in our situation.

Mmmmm.

A while later, "basking in the afterglow" of warm strawberry tea settling in our bodies, we slumped back, sated. Silly contented half smiles on our faces, legs tangled on the wooden floor.

i don't know who started it, but next thing i knew is that we went mad tickling each other to pieces. We were half-wrestling and half-tickling each other, trying to lock the other's arms... trying to poke the other's ribs.

In no time at all i found my arms and legs in a proverbial bind. But, knowing myself, i wouldn't give up without a fight. But, save for my teeth, i had no other weapons left in my arsenal. Incidentally, my lips was just a breath shy of his right ear.

And so i used the resources i had left. Blatantly. Deliberately.

If i were to pause the proverbial flashback here, you'd probably draw the obvious conclusion that we ended up in a rather intimate setting. Let me tell you now that as predictable as this may have seemed, we weren't even close to "getting it on."

Next scene would have us back in the car, with him driving me home. The silences were no longer comfortable. The conversation, well, cautious but bordering on heartbreakingly honest.

It wasn't that he was shellshocked by the bold move. On the contrary, things were just really starting to get interesting. Ironically, it was him who had to pull back and bring things sharply back to reality.

Control was what he was trying to preserve. Guilt was what he was trying to deny himself of at the time.

Staring out onto Aurora Boulevard, seeing and at the same time not seeing the crowd of people littering the streets at 2 am, i can remember hearing his voice through the haze of absolute shame speaking words such as,

"If things were different... if i had met you earlier... if i was the man i used to be... yada yada yada."

something like that.

i can remember feeling too embarrassed for words. have i misread the signals? was i being too forward? how could i be too forward when just yesterday he... why keep on seeing me when...??? flinging myself out of a speeding car and onto EDSA wasn't such a bad idea.

Humiliation. What a gloriously apt term.

It didn't get any better as we neared my place.

He spoke of the reason why he couldn't let himself get any further with me. He mentioned a name.

The name of a friend. A friend of ours.

God, i hate being right. Screw women's intuition.

More than ever, i wanted to fling myself out of that car. The same car that he parked in front of a closed convenience store that we might be able to talk and not part on such bad terms.

He spoke of feelings he harbored for her, denied. Denied for so long because of relationships they both had, and now were free of. He spoke of intentions he wanted to make known to her despite the fact that she was moving far away. Spoke of a willingness to carry on a long distance relationship with her if need be.

My mind was reeling. My heart... i don't know if i still had one. As i'd always say, you think you can prepare yourself for certain tragedies but it is always different when you actually have to go through with it.

Humiliated. Disgusted. Hating. Questioning.

Why Lord?

i let my eyes focus on the sticker and sign filled windows of the store, vision starting to get blurry with tears. My hand came up in a hasty attempt to wipe stray tears away.

He asked me to be there for him. To see him through the possible rejection.

How could he ask me that? Why tell me this all now? How dare he?!

Now dry-eyed but very tired, i turn to him just as he was thanking me for letting him know that indeed, unconditional love was not an impossibility.

Love. Love I did. I probably did love him. I can't think of nothing else that would have kept me there. Nothing else would have kept me composed when i was so shattered inside.

He went on saying how sorry he was it had to be like this. Wishing that had we met at another time, another place or situation, things just might have worked out.

i had to ask him, "When you're with me, do you ever think of her?"

He answered, "No. When i'm with you, i am with you. My mind's not elsewhere. I'm with you."

It was then i made him promise, since he asked so much of me. If i was to be there for him, it was only fair that i ask him to promise me something as well.

"Promise me that whatever happens, you will keep your mind, your eyes, and your heart open to possibility," i told him.

He promised. i promised.

Then he took me home.

Didn't expect her to reject him. Days that followed that moment were spent either in prayer or in tears, bracing myself for the news of their newfound love. It never came. i just received a message from him saying that he told her about his feelings and that things didn't change between them. They were friends.

A week later, she went back to her ex. And he, "went back" to me.

Seven months. Looking back now, i can honestly say that it was the most glorious seven months i'd ever had in a very long time. He has kept his promises as i have kept mine. I was there for him. Celebrating his triumphs, carrying him through his trials, encouraging him to possible success.

And loving him every single moment i had with every single fibre of my being.

Yes, he kept his promise. He kept his mind, eyes, and heart open to possibility.

Sadly, it wasn't me he saw in the end. It wasn't me he let himself love again.

Someone else.

A name. A friend. His friend. A friend of ours.

Now as i drain my own cup of tea and raise my hand to signal the waiter for the check, i can't help but think if i had any sado-masochistic tendencies that i must put myself through the torture borne from memories evoked by my particular choice of beverage.

i think of it as a somewhat bittersweet salute. Toasting to all that i've lived through and lived for these seven months. A brave tribute to all the pain and tears i have shed over him.

Why not choose another flavor? Why not drink something else other than tea entirely? Almost like evading certain people, situations, or places that we feel we can't handle. Running away never solved a problem.

Take the bull by the horns as they say—or in this case, drink that cup of tea.

Which i did.

Does this mean i am healed of the hurt? Does this mean that i'm okay? That i'm finally happy and ready to face the world again?

No.

But at least, i'm not as scared as i used to be.

i dont know what to write anymore.

i should write about the wonderful things that are happening. i should also write about the painful things as a release.

but what if you're left with nothing to say?

what if all the good memories are immediately smothered in bad experiences? That before you can get to celebrate the good moments in prose, something negative happens?

life's like that i know. and i'm just so tired.

barely hanging in there on a thread of faith.

"The Reason"

its been a long time.

and i have a lot to say.
for now, may the lyrics of this song suffice. it touched a chord in me somehow.

if he sang this to me, perhaps i'd understand.

The Reason
Hoobastank


I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

if you knew me well enough and the things i've been going through lately, you'd see why this song is so apt.

more soon.

believing... still.

lifted from a song...


I chose to take this road called faith
I will walk on
I trust that You will lead me through
I will walk on


so be it.

he was a miracle.
i believed in miracles
i still do.

i still do.

release of angst - poem

i am done
finished
tired of looking for fragments of hope
in all that is left
of what we were

and what we've become now

a needle in a haystack is nothing
for the needle exists
just lost in a haystack

how can i expect
to find so remote a love
or such a tiny possiblity of it
lost in the twists
and turns of you

and what if there is actually nothing
to be found
deep within the recesses
the cavities of your soul

not a light
not a hope
not a thread or fiber

but adamant
refusal
rejection.

"i'm sorry."

apology offered
in vain appeal

but i will wait
for a singular divine
Hand or Voice
to tell me

instruct me
what to do next

to stay and endure
or leave and wish you well.

someday i hope
i can be loved by one
by such
as you.

but then i think
i don't think i can
anymore.

no more.